Surprises

Emotions are surprising. You think you’re angry at someone, but then you see a picture of them and you realize that you just miss them. Or you think you miss someone but then hear a song and remember how much you hate them. They’re just so surprising and I hate surprises.

I’ve been kind of astonished with how much anger I am holding lately. I don’t know if it comes with adulthood or what but I am just angry at the past, angry at society in general and angry at God for letting everything get so gray.

But then sometimes, I’m soft. Like a melt-in-your-mouth-cookie. There will be like a random rush of serotonin in my brain or something and all of a sudden, everything is joyous. I love my job. I love my coworkers. I love this tiny little town. I love living at home at 22. I love love love it all.

However, like a speck of sand on a beach, that mood quickly gets lost amongst the waves of memories and disappointment. Then I’m back to thinking everyone is an idiot and that I’d rather just be a dandelion seed. Is that a normal thing? To want to be a seed?

I’ve been wishing a lot lately that I was just a seed, or a pebble or a grain of sand. I don’t know why, maybe I just need to feel small again.

Just imagine it though, you’re a grain of sand. You’re on a beach, feeling the waves lapping at your feet. The sun is beating down on you, but the ocean keeps you cool. You keep reminding yourself to breathe, but then you remember that you don’t have to. You just lay there and you get tossed about. You see things and go places with no effort at all. No one expects anything of you, you’re just a grain of sand.

That’s just so relaxing to me. Too bad I’m a grown human being who has to put effort into everything.

Weird thoughts today, weird thoughts.

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