I could just be one of those people who bites my tongue. Who grins, waves and says good morning to everyone. Instead, I am the person who gives you a half-hearted smile and then returns her gaze back to the ground. I know that you don’t need my happiness, my glance or my blessing to have a good day.
I’ve tried to keep positivity in my heart and soul, but it’s not there naturally and I just don’t have the energy to fake it. I hate it when people tell you that if you smile and pretend to be happy, you’ll actually slowly feel better. That sh-t is pathological. I have tried it many times and it doesn’t work. It’s just another false advertisement and kind of creepy at that.
The truth is that when I try to act like I’m content and happy with my life, I’m miserable. Maybe I’m just a bad actor, but I can’t trick myself into believing that I like where I am. But none of this should matter in the first place. Why do I have to fake being happy? It’s because people are more comfortable when they know that the people around them are satisfied and not miserable.
Honestly, I feel better when I don’t pretend. When I wake up knowing that I will not be enjoying the next eight hours. When the cold, storm clouds match my exact mood. When I walk into work knowing exactly what kind of attitude I’m going to get. I love it. I thrive on it. I need to feel miserable in order to make progress. If I prance around my office pretending that I love being snarked at and that I’m not slowly developing carpal tunnel…then what? I’m just going to delude myself into thinking that I’m happy? And then I’ll stay here forever?
In fact, it really annoys me when I see people fake laughing, smiling, offering compliments. I know that they’re not happy but that they have no immediate plans to change that. Why? I don’t get it. Why lie to yourself?