Most of the time…I just feel like a giant toddler walking around and accidentally destroying things. I’m pretty damn close to being a grown woman, but it seems like everything I touch either falls, breaks or catches fire.
I get so tired of cleaning up after myself. Chasing people around with “I’m sorry” and “It was an accident”. Eventually, people just expect it from you. It makes me want to pack up a little backpack and “runaway” to the neighborhood across the street. Like I did when I was a kid.
Is it even considered running away if you’re an adult? I mean…if I “ran away”, I don’t think anyone would be worried for a while. I’m a young adult with enough money and material items to last me for a few months. Whereas, when you’re five, if you go missing for more than three minutes the store manager will seal off all entrances to the grocery store.
Breaking things is just a downfall to being clumsy and not detail oriented. But it isn’t the only reason I feel like a child. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, absolutely none. I’ve invested all of my time into these people and things and I don’t even know if I want them anymore. I’ve sort of lost my taste for the flavor of life. Everything looks the same, sounds the same…tastes the same.
The only thing about me that even resembles adulthood is the lack of trust. It’s clear that I’ve had 22 years of disappointment to get me to this level of skepticism. I just take everything with a grain of salt. If someone promises something, I assume they don’t mean it. If I’m told a secret, I assume that it’s not true. If I get a compliment, I know it’s only so this person can further their agenda. If someone tells me that “honesty is the best policy”, I know that they’re the biggest liar of them all.
Before all of you overly-opptomistic people scoff at that last paragraph, let me stop you. I don’t want a flood of joy and happiness to come up in here and rain on my gray parade. I don’t want you to try to prove me wrong. Or tell me that “some people are just nice”. I get it, I’ve heard it, I know it. Sure, sure, sure….sometimes people have good intentions. But I’ve learned that you shouldn’t count on “sometimes”. Because, never is when you can know these things for sure.