Lately, my life has felt meaningless. I don’t say that in a depressing, attention-seeking way. That doesn’t mean I feel like killing myself, or causing a scene. It just feels kind of superficial. I don’t have a lot of ties to a lot of people, places, or things. I’m sort of weightless, but I’m floating in the same space.
I think I need less. I need less clothing, less furniture, less jewelry, less material belongings. Even though I am not tied to anything, somehow these belongings seem to keep me anchored to my town. I don’t want to be here. I don’t need to be here. Why am I still here?
I don’t feel nostalgia when I see my old elementary, middle, or high school. I live within a ten-mile radius of all of them. I won’t miss stopping at the same red light everyday on the way to work. I am not going to get emotional when I stop to think about the “old days”.
I’m not your typical “I want to get out of my small town and explore the world” type of person. I’ve always appreciated the place that I grew up in. It is beautiful and convenient on so many levels. This has so much more to do with me, than with the town that I live in.
I’m scared, no doubt. But I’m on the verge of dropping everything that I am doing and just leaving. Not in an angsty, finding myself way. In an amazing, enlightening, satisfying, come-to-Jesus way. This is something that has to happen, I can feel it. I’m just pushing it off…and I don’t know why.
There is nothing to fear. I have a loving family that would allow me to stay with them if everything came crashing down. I’d like to think so, anyway. I’m not comfortable with who I am or where I am, so it’s not that. What is holding me back? Is it devine intervention that is telling me to wait? I don’t know.
I need less so that I can be free. I’m afraid to give anything up, but I think it will be a good step towards breaking out of this mold that I am in. I’m not saying that I’m going to drop what I’m doing right now….but I am going to soon. So, just wait for it.
Do you feel like your meaningless material pile up prevents you from living? Or do you chase the material craze?