I am having the hardest time this week. Here are the facts:
I am not happy with my life
I am not satisfied with my life
I am feeling unfulfilled in my life
Okay. I know all of those things. So, why am I not working harder to change them? Am I lazy? Am I scared of change? Am I too miserably comfortable? I think that knowledge has a lot to do with it. I know that I want something to change- in a big way. But, I just don’t know what the change is that I need to make.
Do I need a new job? Do I need to move? Do I need to constantly keep moving? I think I want to travel. But what happens if I pick up everything, start a traveling career and then decide that I hate it? So, there it is. There must be some fear in my decision to keep my life as it is.
I am praying, hoping and constantly wishing for some sort of sign in regards to what I should do next. I’m a sitting duck right now. I am 21 and yet, I’ve hit a brick wall. I think I want to travel around the world and learn about animals….but how do you get paid for that? I’m not really the sort of person that people want to watch on T.V.. I certainly don’t have enough knowledge about animals to even be hired by Animal Planet or anything like that.
Do you see what I mean? Where do you go from there? There are no clear steps for me to take, I feel like I’m going to have to make my own. This is a huge challenge for me because I like lists. I like to have a basic understanding of the steps that I will have to take in order to succeed. Unfortunately, that doesn’t exist in life.
Referring back to my other post, Long Day, Short Week, I have not had any waves of passion this week. I’ve been like a beach without a high tide. I bet it’s because I’ve put forth so much effort and there doesn’t appear to be any change. Even though I hate the feeling after a wave of passion has come and gone…I find myself thirsting for one right now. I just need something. ANYTHING. A little tiny sign that only I would notice.
Maybe it’s not in the stars for me. Maybe I am a desk-job kind of gal. But I really hope not. I really hope that there is something out there that I will be good at and that I will have a passion for. I don’t want to climb the bars of a corporate company, or hit the ceiling for my salary range. It’s very simple what I want; a vocation that I am truly passionate about, that allows me to sustain myself financially. I don’t care about location, or title, or becoming rich. Simple.
Do any of you feel like there is something “out there” for you?