As much as I love having good days, I hate having good days. When I’m having a bad day, I am certain of what I want and what I need. When I am having a good day, I know what I need…but the things that I want begin to turn into one big blur.
When I have a good day, it makes me question where I am at. I wonder if I should just suck it up and work an eight to four like most Americans. After all, there are people all over the world who would kill for an opportunity to have the job that I have. There are fathers who are searching for work, and struggle to feed their children. There are prostitutes who were sold into sex trafficking at a young age, and would jump at the chance for a normal life. Well…..my job isn’t that bad, right?
Maybe this is just how life was meant to be. Maybe you’re supposed to find a job that you’re totally unsuited for, earn money, and just hang on until retirement. It must be normal to come home feeling like there is no point to your existence and that you’re just a measly pawn in the grand scheme of it all. I’m sure that everyone feels like their creativity is stifled by the pure simplicity of their every-day tasks. It’s normal, it’s expected. Why would I be an exception?
I could do this. I could sit in the same spot for five days a week. I could make small talk about who purchased a little business down the street. I could answer the phone with the same try-hard voice that I use every single time. I could suck up to people who don’t even respect me. I could fake a smile every time I introduce myself to another client. I could ignore the guy who walks to the candy jar eight times a day. I could, I can and….I should, right?
When I have a bad day, I know that I was hand crafted for a specific vocation. God breathed creativity into my finger tips. He painted curiosity into my eyes. He gifted me the faith of a hundred little girls. He whispered ideas into my mind. He placed a GPS into my soul and entered thousands of nameless destinations. I was made to think out of the box, question normalcy and reach for a light switch in an unknown dark void. I was fabricated specifically, each piece of me was produced purposefully; never on accident.
Why should I settle for something that sucks out my life and leaves me so empty? Why should I try to force puzzle pieces together when I know that they come from two different sets? Why do I make excuses and compare my situation to others? I deserve to be happy. I can find my happiness somewhere. I will never fail, because I will never stop trying.
I can do this. I can move across the world, learning and relishing every experience that I get. I can break through all of my fears and everything that is slowing me down. I can accept that not everyone will welcome this huge change in my life. I can let go of my physical home to find my spiritual home. I can take the time that I am given, and turn it into something magical. I can appreciate the life that I was given, without suffering on the behalf of others. I CAN DO IT. I can, and I should, and I will.
This is the difference between a good day and a bad day for me. There is no in between. I don’t know which way is the correct way to feel. Perhaps both of them are utterly insane.
What should I do? What would you do?